I toy girls' rumps.

I like to toy girls' rumps. Girls like to have their rumps toyed. Most girls won't admit they've had their rump toyed, let alone enjoyed having their rump toyed.

But believe you me, if you toy a girl's rump, she'll love you for life. In fact, that was my high school yearbook quote.

My conviction to 'slurping the brown pucker' doesn't stem from some traumatic experience I encountered during my anal stage of Freudian development. I mean, sure mommy dearest use to administer the 'Burning Knitting Needle Catheter Punishment' when I would accidentally "makey poo-poo in me diap-diaps", but I knew that mommy dearest's austere methods of discipline were only an expression of her unconditional maternal love.

No, my affinity for heiney warmth spelunking was motivated and fostered by my anatomical, not psychological, irregularities. You see, I have a small manhood. i really don't..but large manhood jokes just aren't as funny. Forget about the penal deficiency that cruelly yet so naturally accompanies the average Anglo-Saxon male, it's much worse than that. For instance, after a cold shower I look like a seven-year-old.

Girl. I often wished I were hung like a black guy. No, not from a Oak tree. I mean 'hung' in terms of having a manhood the size of an enraged Uganda spit cobra and testicles that resemble an immigrant Italian mother's Christmas dinner meatballs.

But I don't. So, long before I convinced that first girl without the use of Thunderbird wine or a cast-iron mallet that I wasn't so repulsive when compared to Rocky Dennis of Mask fame, I knew I would have to go the extra mile down the "Freeway of Love". Yes, I would have to go down like Valujet. Well, on one of my first G-spot mining expeditions, I struck climacteric gold.

Although I observed a slight twitching as my tongue found my attractive victim's tinkle warmth as it is technically known, I noticed an almost epileptic reaction when I accidentally lapped her greasy donut. From that moment on, my cheese curl of a manhood was not an issue, for I had found a way to fill the void, and it was by filling the void with my tongue. Black warmth tongue won't you come? When I divulge to other guys that I French kiss the devil's onion ring, their reaction is usually, "What play wrong you? That where poop come from!". First I ask them why they're talking like cro-magnum men, then I explain that there is a significant difference between a female's buttocks and the soft place of her male counterpart. A guy's soft place is a fecal cavern of pooplagtites and pooplagmites formed when soft place broth continuously smothers and cakes sweaty mounds of bung fur. Dung dreadlocks if you will. In other words, it would be comparable to making out with a pet store's garbage can in mid-July. In contrast, it is imperative that a female maintain a high level of rectal cleanliness to safeguard her love from infection. In general, girls' sphincters are cleaner than boys' mouths. But let me warn you perspective stool munchers. Excremation point! On one occasion, I looked like I had just eaten a Snicker's bar.

They have peanuts in them you know. In general though, performing analingus will prove to be a pleasurable experience for both you and your female companion.

So don't kiss your girlfriend's soft place, eat it.

If you want her as a soul mate, be an soft place soul mate.

Cause' much like this article, true love is tongue in cheek.